heart on my sleeve

salam~
first of all, i'm over my ex. thats right. i am. whatever he does it just doesnt bother me that much anymore. im not into anyone. i feel free, i feel like im in control again, and i feel as if i can do anything i want without caring what boys would think of me. i wanted to not think about feelings at the moment. but you know how absurd that sounds and how impossible it is especially for someone as self conscious as me. about a while ago, abul came into my life again after so long not hearing of him. we had fun, gone out and watch dvd tgether but that was just it. i dont feel anything towards him anymore, which i am extremely grateful i dont. why? cause he never change at all. he's still the same fickle-minded, stubborn, taking me as an option when-he's bored. so yeah, crossed his name from my heart years ago. and about abg alep. i liked him for 3 years straight when i was just starting highschool. i confessed my love to him when i was 15. n he didnt even say anything. just moved on as if anythng never happend. we still contacted one another sometime but not frequently. im over him too. but last week, when i went out with a senior of mine, she mentioned that abg alep has a long-term girlfriend named kak bai. i dont know who that is and what's her full name. i didnt care to ask, and my senior wont gonna tell me anyway. i was so shocked. i felt betrayed. he knew i liked him, yet he didn't reject me or whatsoever. he just lingered, and  left me hanging. what kind of person would do that???! if he could have just say it in the first place, that he liked somebody else, i would have understand and moved on. but the fucking reality was that he didnt, and he left me still having the hots for him even after he graduated from highschool and gone through the national service. god. i was such an idiot. im so glad im over bg alep. :)
now donkey, he's still there waiting for our 2 years deal. my feelings for him are mixed.  i like him. i really do. i want to give him the love i wanted to give. but instead im holding back cause im not ready. im sorry donkey that you're stuck and like someone like me. im sorry im such a horrible person that keep you waiting. im sorry. i've been thinking about you a lot. and i miss you so so much. deep in my heart i know its true. but i cant reach out. i made a vow. we made a vow. so that vow we shall follow. i dont want you to wait that long for me. im scared that you'd miss out the girl who's truly gonna be yours. so, live your life, and dont think of me too much. like i said, polah jak sukati for 2 years, and if both of us are single at that time, we'll try.
you're like the sweetest boy i ever met. and i love you for that.
thanks donkey :)

XOXO,
-small boy on her bike-